I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
