Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
