for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
