I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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