I just pynch a tree in the face
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
