She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
