she was so not down for the gang bang
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
