We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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