dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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