Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
