There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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