I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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