Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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