I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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