Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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