I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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