Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Floor bacon is actually really good
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
