Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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