Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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