If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
