Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
