Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
