My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
