I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
so much tequila, so little girl.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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