I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
