No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
