i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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