I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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