i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
