i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
