No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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