i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
