My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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