pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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