I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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