if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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