You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
