Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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