I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
