Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
