I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
