Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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