she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
