I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
