you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize