Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
