On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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