if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
