He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
