Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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