Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
