so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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