you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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