the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i will never coherently bang her
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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