yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
