I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
