your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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