if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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