I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wanna passion pit in your ass
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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