so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
